Shag Marry or Throw off a Cliff
by eprime
Summary: Hogwarts-Era. The marauders play a silly game.


"Okay, I got one. Snivellus-"

Remus groaned.

"Can we _please_ just leave Snape out of it for once? He's _always_ the one who goes off the cliff."

"Shut it, Moony. No. In fact, new rule-Snivellus has always got to be one of the options."

James cleared his throat and continued with a pointed look at Remus who merely rolled his eyes.

"As I was _saying_, Snivellus, Rita Skeeter, or Dolores Umbridge. Your turn, Peter. Shag, marry, or shove off a cliff?"

Sirius snickered into his mug of butterbeer and even Remus gave an amused snort. Peter blanched.

"Er, which one is Umbridge again?"

James pointed to the bar where a very short witch in a nauseatingly pink jumper perched on top of a high-legged stool. Her mousy hair was pulled back with a pink headband liberally decorated with sparkly beads. She looked up just as James pointed and gave a simpering smile in their direction. As one, the boys raised their mugs to their mouths hiding snorts of laughter behind the foam.

"Ta, Prongs," Peter said, choking on his butterbeer. "Just you wait."

"Don't know what you're complaining about, mate." Sirius drawled.

"She's obviously got a thing for short wands. Sounds like a match made in Heaven to me."

Peter's boot connected solidly with Sirius' shin.

"Fucker," hissed Sirius, hunching down to rub at his shin and glare at his sniggering friends.

"Well then, Pete?" James prompted.

"Right, er, Umbridge to shag, then."

He raised his voice to be heard over the loud gagging noises.

"I mean, in the dark, I figure it might not be _so_ bad."

"Oh, Peter," Sirius said in whispery falsetto. "Can I touch your wand?"

He jerked his legs away before Peter could connect this time.

"So, that leaves Skeeter to marry and Snivellus to-"

James raised his arm like a conductor and everyone joined in for the chorus.

"Throw off a cliff!"

Amidst the laughter, they downed their butterbeers and James gestured for another round.

"Can't believe you'd spend the rest of your life with Skeeter."

"At least she's not bad looking."

"She's a man-eater, mate."

"You say that like it's a bad thing, Prongs."

Remus rolled his eyes again and leaned forward.

"My turn, and this one is for you, James."

James leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest, his cocky grin getting wider.

"Take your best shot."

"Per tradition and your ridiculous new rule...Snape."

James inclined his head grandly.

"Hagrid-"

Sirius and Peter hooted. James still maintained his arrogant grin.

"and...the Giant Squid."

Sirius and Peter collapsed into laughter.

"That's foul, Moony."

James balled up a napkin and chucked it at Remus' head.

"Really foul."

Remus batted it away and lifted a brow in challenge.

"Well?"

Inhaling deeply, James tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"We've not got all night, mate."

"Right. Got it."

James slapped his hands on the table and grinned.

"I'd shag the Giant Squid."

Beaming proudly, he watched his friends clutch their stomachs and wipe away stray tears.

"Like to think I'm adventurous in bed."

"The only adventure you've had in bed is with your right hand."

A brief tussle interrupted the game until the barkeep sent a stern look their way and Remus stopped laughing long enough to make Sirius and James get back in their chairs.

"Ow, shit, butterbeer just came out of my nose," Remus complained, wiping it away with the crumpled napkin.

Sirius ignored this and shot James a malicious grin.

"Don't forget about Hagrid and Snivellus."

"Wouldn't think of it." James said loftily.

"_Obviously_, I would marry Hagrid. He'd be quite cuddly on cold winter nights."

Pleased by the groans he'd induced, and the vaguely nauseous look Peter was sporting, James took a healthy swig of butterbear and met Remus' amused eyes.

"Thought you had me, didn't you?"

"I should've known better than to underestimate you," Remus admitted.

Of course, James had insisted they finish the ritual and they all consigned Snape to another precipitous death and swigged their drinks.

"My turn," cried Peter, wiping foam from his upper lip. "This one's for Moony."

Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"Snivellus-"

Remus sighed heavily.

"You don't _have_ to chuck him off the cliff if you fancy him that much, Moony," James needled.

"Just get on it with, Peter," Remus said, broadly ignoring James' stupid smirk.

"Yeah, so Snivellus, James, and Sirius."

Remus blinked, and after a moment James and Sirius burst into laughter.

"Good one, Wormtail!"

"Can I just chuck them all off the cliff?" Remus muttered.

"No!" Three voices chorused.

"Which of us do you want to shag silly, Moony?" Sirius sang out cheerfully.

"Keep it down will you," hissed Remus.

Sirius gave a careless wave of his hand.

"Just answer the question."

"Fine." Remus sat back and narrowed his eyes as he looked from James to Sirius. He so wanted to wipe the smug look off their faces by choosing Snape. Of course, he'd never hear the end of it, and besides, Snape wasn't as bad as they made out, true, but as for shagging him...

"I'd shag Sirius," Remus admitted, ignoring Sirius' conceited crowing.

"Because he's such a pretty little thing," Remus added with a nasty grin. "Practically looks like a girl."

He quite enjoyed Sirius' smug face slip into a scowl, though he could have done without the approving punch to the shoulder from James. Peter was giggling as well and Remus leaned back feeling pleased.

"I'd marry James because he's so obviously destined for the perfect little house with a white picket fence. He'd make a lovely wife, I'm sure."

And now it was Remus, Sirius, and Peter giggling into their butterbeers while James scowled.

"Shut it, Moony. If anyone would be the wife, it's you."

"How do you figure?"

"Because you're..."

James flailed his hand wildly.

"I'm...?" Remus' voice held a warning tone that James, as usual, completely ignored.

"You're all...delicate."

Remus scowled.

"I'm not delicate!"

"You are sometimes! All frail and-"

"Frail! I'll show you frail!"

"And you're rather thin, not skinny, mind," James said hastily. "Just sort of slender. And you have big eyes, with really long eyelashes."

Everyone gaped at James. Sirius raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Something you want to tell us, Prongs?"

"No!"

James flushed bright red.

"No! I was just saying! I fancy _Lily_! You know I do!"

Sirius reached out and grasped James' shoulder.

"Relax, Prongs, I was just taking the piss."

Remus and Peter didn't even bother trying to hide their laughter.

"Wankers."

"I think we've had enough to drink. Why don't we head back," Remus suggested.

Everyone was willing, so they finished off their drinks and set off on the path back toward Hogwarts. Their pace was leisurely, frequently interrupted by minor skirmishes between the four of him. Remus, in particular, made it a point to disabuse James of the notion that Remus was frail, at least not more often than a few days a month.

"It's only because you fight dirty," James said, sulking as he soothed a tongue over his split lip.

Remus snorted.

"Like you've room to talk."

"He's got you there, Prongs," Sirius said, slinging an arm around their shoulders.

"You always did fight like a girl."

Before a scuffle could break out again, Peter interrupted.

"So, James, who would you shag, marry, or chuck. Sirius, Remus, and-"

"I'd toss Sirius off a cliff in a heartbeat," James said with a vindictive grin. "And I'd marry Remus because when he's not being a grudge-holding, sarcastic git, he's quite nice and he already picks up our dirty socks whenever we leave them strewn about."

"Which is everyday," Remus contributed with a pained sigh.

"Exactly!" James clapped Remus on the back ignoring the glare he received in return.

"So that means you'd be shagging Snivellus!" Sirius pointed out gleefully.

James look horrified.

Peter nodded.

"That is the rule. _Your_ rule."

"But-"

"I want you to know," Remus said solemnly. "That I am completely onboard with having our marriage be an open relationship. Don't feel you have to sneak around with Snivellus. You have my blessing to shag him as much as you like."

Sirius and Peter convulsed with laughter.

James howled and soon all four boys were dusty, disheveled and sporting an impressive variety of minor contusions and scratches. They finally staggered back to their feet and brushed themselves off as best they could.

"I'm hungry," Peter complained.

"Me too. If we hurry we can make it just in time to clean up and get to dinner."

James and Peter picked up their pace and James called over his shoulder.

"Hoof it, you two!"

"Isn't that more his department?" Remus joked.

Sirius snorted and waved at Prongs to go ahead.

"We'll catch up!" he called back, watching James shrug then give Peter a shove before taking off in a dead run, Peter following after.

"Think with their stomachs, the both of them." Sirius said.

"Mm."

Sirius looked over at Remus.

"What's with you?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Remus tried to hide a smirk. "It's a bit insulting that James would rather shag Snape than me."

Sirius threw back his head and laughed.

"It is rather," he agreed. "But rest assured, my dear Moony, I'll always prefer to shag you over Snape."

"That is a comfort, Padfoot."

Both of them took a quick glance both directions along the path before they turned in sync and headed toward Hogwarts. If their fingers linked beneath the voluminous sleeves of their robes, no one was there to see it.


End file.
